Nutty News Radio Reports

Pope Stays Up All Night Telling God About Trip To America
Four-Year Descent Into Complete Self-Obsession Live-Blogged
Longtime Sexual Fantasy Awkwardly Fulfilled
Urinator Apprehended
Workaholic Wakes Up In Pool Of Own Paperwork
President Bush Unveils New 'Impotence Only' Sex Policy
Rowdy Teens Take Over Local Perkins
Area Kindergartner Tackles The Shit Out Of Dream Girl
Researchers Discover Massive Asshole In Blogosphere
Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot
Nation's Last Themeless Restaurant Closes
Entire Coffee Cake Consumed Over Trash Can
Convicted Forger Freed By Presidential Pardon
Amtrak's New Lady Train Debuts
Congress Overrun By Wolves
Passover Seder Half-Assed
Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot
Plan 'L' Switched To
Vacationing Teen Introduces Wilco To West Indies
Panicked Diver Forgets Everything Except Capital Of Delaware
Giant Greenhouse Built Over Nation Blamed For Climate Change
If There's A Ferret Heaven, Area Woman's Dead Ferret Is In it
Guys Night Out To Feature Several Key Non-Guys
Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day
New Colored Light Added To Traffic Signals
Gypsy Curse Lifted From Montana
$46,000 Vacuumed Out Of White House Couch
Cheney Re-Grows Limb In Front Of Shocked Advisers
Hostage Taken Out For Night On The Town
Pope Condemns College Of Cardinals For Host-Flicking
Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room
Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again
FDA Approves Napalm Breast Implants
New Personal MRIs Allow Paparazzi To Scan Celebrity Organs
Hillary Receives 3 a.m. Phone Call From Drunken Bill Clinton
New U.S. Smiley-Face Dollar To Boost Economy
McDonald's Birthday Party To Be Happiest Time In Child's Life
Move To Houseboat Regretted By Third Day
Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?
Tropical Storm Brings Deadly Cloud Of Worthless Knickknacks Up East Coast
Microwavable Steak Renews Area Man's Faith In Humanity
Congress Calls For Removal Of Land Mines From Congress
Federal Reserve Announces Emergency Release Of Butterflies
Everything On Area Man's iPod Just There As A Joke
Peeping Tom Sick And Tired Of Watching People Watch Television
Former American Gladiator Still Insists Friends Call Him Turbo
Faith Healer Calls In Faith Gastroenterologist
Mysteriocrats Nominate Shadowy Figure For President
Last Mozzarella Stick Sacrificed In Herculean Display Of Good Manners
President Bush Accidentally Signs Cast Into Law
Organic Hunter Relies On Chronic Wasting Disease To Kill Deer
New Wonder Drug Gets Users Higher Than Hell
Couple Upstairs Going At It Again
Imaginary Rock Band Causes Real Falling Out Among Friends
Area Man's Pleasing Aroma Will Be Missed
U.S. To Adopt Caste System
McCain Captures Wild Delegates Roaming Western Plains
Heroin Addiction Picked Up Where Area Man Left Off
Christ Announces Hiring Of Associate Christ
Demography Today Magazine Targets Demographer Demographic
New Blog Gives Much Needed Look Into World Of Geoff
Pregnant Circus Geek Now Biting Heads Off Chicken For Two
Report: 1998 Was Ten Fucking Years Ago
Evacuation Plan Includes Foosball Table
Stock Market Unsure How To React To Boron Shortage
Stupid Thing Won't Work
Mexico Announces Plans To Refry Over 700 Million Beans
Presidential Candidate Thinks That's A Good Idea But We Should Go Farther
Supreme Court Rewards Base With Fan Appreciation Day
Mechanical Pencils Turn On Their Human Overlords
Bridal Association Of America Blasts Nation's Groomsmen
60% Of Federal Budget Wasted On Eating Out
Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty
Scientists Isolate Pepsi-Resistant Gene
CIA Finally Unseats Fidel Castro With Retirement Cigar
North Korea Takes Technical-Assistance Jobs From India By Force
Search Continues For Articulate Witness Of Tragedy
Country Mouse Raped By City Mouse
Miss America Loses Crown In Double-Or-Nothing Pageant
ACLU Defends Nazi's Right To Burn Down ACLU's Headquarters
Exxon Paleontologists Call For Increased U.S. Fossil Production
New Pipeline Threatens Migrating Baby Boomers
Bow Hunter Learns A Lot About Bears In Six Seconds
Dead iPod Returns To Life Every Year On Anniversary Of Death
Man Channels Love Of America Through Car Horn
New Video Game Tied To Rash Of Head Explosions
Nation Demands Easier Instructions
Fire Hot
U.S. Department Of Over-Analysis Issues Rambling, Inconclusive Report
North Korean Spy Satellite Aimed At Area Man's Wide-Screen TV
Coworker Brings Vigilante Justice To Break Room
Duck Call Receives Overwhelming Response
Depressed Cow Eats Entire Haystack
Jewish Elders Lift 6,000-Year Ham Ban
Huge Animal Jumps Right Fucking Out In Front Of Area Man
Report: Netflix Has Received Red Dwarf Series Three: Disc Two
Nation's Bachelors Demand Health-Care Coverage For All Their Buddies
Pep Squad Accused Of Using Power Of Pep For Personal Gain
Lucille Calls Police On B.B. King
New Global-Social-Positioning System To Help Lost Drivers Avoid Poor People
Greenpeace Releases Dolphins Into Forest
Chrysler Discontinues Neck-Belts
Haves Work $3.6 Trillion Deal To Acquire Have-Nots
Tour Bus Leaves With Wrong Passed-Out Drummer
Britney Spears' Fragrance Soldiers On Without Her
Report: 2007 Christmas Season Had Fewest Miracles On Record
Ambulance Told To Shut Up
Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia Two-To-One
Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb'
Suit Of Armor More Hassle Than It's Worth
Department Of Treasure Releases 2008 Doubloons
Minimalist Roller Coaster Designer Refuses To Use Loops
Disease-Free Water Tops List Of World's Most Popular Beverages
Bait-Shop Employee Hoping Bait Blog Will Get Him Fired
Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness
Plane Delay Leaves Hundreds Whiny
Swanson Foods Launches Hungry Man Line Of Apparel
Detergent-Sponsored Version Of "MacBeth" Considerably Different
Construction Of Stretch Of Turnpike Has Been Going On Since, Like, 1997
Senator Receives Yet Another Handgun Gift Basket From NRA
Area Man Thinks He Can Save Relationship With Pancakes
Gore Begins Training For 2004 Election In Remote Mountain Cabin
Congressional Fellatio Eliminated
Hundreds Of Republicans Hurt In Rush To Discredit Kerry
Exiled American King Triumphantly Returns To Washington
Congress Overturns Ban On Lawn Darts
President Bush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Crappy Jobs
Nigeria Elects Black President
Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball
Formerly Evil Wrestler Realizes Error Of His Ways
Sports Fan Thinks He May Have Torn Rotator Cuff
Baseball Imposes Tough New 'Three-Strikes-You're-Out' Rule
George Foreman Grill Retires To Promote Own Grill
Don King Enjoys Grandilomentitudinous Sandwich
NASA, NASCAR Merge
American Cancer Society Unveils 1.2-Megaton Anti-Cancer Missile
God To Use Powers For Evil
Ford Unveils New Bridge-Collapse-Proof Car
Former President George H.W. Bush Announces Plan To Hunt, Kill Blue Whale
Evel Knievel's Rocket-Coffin Launched Over 17 School Buses Into Grave
National Beard Growers Association Claims Entire '08 Crop Lost To Hot Day
White House Paintball Team Not The Same Without Rove
Tortilla-Chip Supply Dwindling, Reports Man On Couch
Long-Awaited Baby Boomer Die-Off To Begin Soon
Area Woman Crowned Miss Thang 2007
Barky Dog Just Going Bark, Bark, Bark
President Bush Ditches Visiting Dignitary At Congress
10-Year-Old Boy Discovers Fire
Conductor Vows To Whip Ragtag Elementary School Chorus Into Shape By Christmas
Jewish Texans Commemorate Holocaust...Texas-Style!
White Castle Plundered By Turks
Area Man Pronounced Dead On The Inside
Explosion-Themed Movie Tops Weekend Box Office
God Makes Spanish Official Language Of Christianity
Retired Hobo Afraid He's Losing His Hobo Chops
Area Homosexual Outed By Common Sense
Style Replaces Substance
Bill Clinton To Become Spokesman For Manwich
Marriage Of Fat Cousin Sends Shockwaves Through Area Family
Drug Czar Toppled By Drug Bolsheviks
President To Investigate Where Laundry Chute Goes
ABC Executive Now Writing All Their Shows Himself
Neurotic Asshole Finds Success In New York City
Civil War Enthusiasts Burn Atlanta To Ground
Earth Made Child-Safe
Sperm Bank In Thailand Hands Out Free Samples
Blown Kiss Ducked Under
Bored Sea Captain Secretly Marries Crew To Each Other
Officer Passed Over For General Still Asked To Contribute Battle Plans
Adopt-A-Ham Foundation Celebrates Another Successful Year
Collectible-Plate Industry Calls For Tragic Death Of Barbara Streisand
Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way
String Of Nine Missed Periods Ends Spectacularly
Cookies Mysteriously Disappear From Police Evidence Room
U.S. Laundry Situation Upgraded to Critical
God Agrees To Postpone Apocalypse Until After Christmas
Radically Less Cool Lifestyle Born To Area Couple
Taco Bell Launches New 'Morning After' Burrito
Blues Musician To U.N.: 'Yemen Done Me Wrong'
New Silt Deposits A Hit With Local Oyster Community
Apartment Built On Sacred Samoan Land Brings No Complaints From Residents
Talks Between Movers, Shakers Break Down At 11th Hour
Area Man Wants You To Smell His New Bag Of Weed
Missing Hubcap Found Face Down In Ditch
Giant 6-Year-Old Devastates Ant Community
Area Idea So Crazy It Just Might Work
Student Council Campaign Raises $130 Million
Area Sales Staff Jealous Of Dead Coworker
Count Dracula Stripped Of Title By Transylvanian Authorities
Area Woman Saved From Burning Wreck Only To Die 40 Years Later
Archangel Gabriel Has Great Idea For Screenplay
Microsoft Sold To Crows
Hippie Dances Ecstatically
Stupid Mistake Ruining Whole Day
Area Man Not Interested In Your Life Story
Zeus Takes Form Of Shirtless Man
Crossword Editor Obviously Guilty In String Of Nurse Murders
Diabetic Child's Survival Hinges On Contents Of Piñata
Nation Shocked By Pre-Natal Shooting
Man On TV Urges Mass Purchase Of Listerine
Bomb Shelter All Set For World Without Doritos
Hooters Hires Another Shauna
Congress Allocates $500 Billion To Combat Unexplained Rattling Noise In Congressional Car
What's Left Of Pamela Anderson Married Again
Four Dead After Man Loses Control Of Dowsing Rod
Area Man Gets In One Last Night Of Sex Before Breaking Up
Hershey's Ordered To Pay Obese Americans $135 Billion
Former Defense Secretary Rumsfeld Seen Shivering In Autumn Wind